Maybe Eric Mangini Plays Bizarro Fantasy Football

After benching Brady Quinn early in last week's game, Derek Anderson came in and promptly put up a 3 turnover, 36 Bizarro point effort. His reward? A Week 4 start against the Bengals.

This can't have much of a dramatic effect on oddsmakers or gamblers, as both Quinn and Anderson looked awful against the Ravens' D, so I think it's safe to say the only people interested in this QB carousel are Browns fans (at least until the Cavs start again) and us.

My take? Mangini should just weld the two together and form the ultimate Bizarro QB, Brady Anderson.

Just look at those pipes.

Week 3 Standings

Week 3 Results

I'm picking up the slack from Mike this week, as he claims he has "a life."

He'll post the official results and up to date season tallies soon hopefully. Maybe we'll even get a weekly write up.

Either way, he's the results of last weeks games.

Week 2 Scoreboard

Season Totals

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Week 2 Recap

As always, from Mike:

Week 2 is in the books, and boy what a week! Lots of scoring for all the Bizarro teams, except mine. FUCK YOU MARK SANCHEZ YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO SUCK, WHY ARE YOU COMPITENT? (Editor's Note: I normally proof these, but I think I'm going to leave that one in.) I want to give a special shout out to Paul C, the dude that no one has met except John. 151 points is a hell of a week, however I am not sure you are real so I am thinking of voiding your score. Hopefully you can make it to our first arrest party (details coming in the near future). Now on to Week 2 in Bizarro Fantasy Football!

The Jimmy the Greek Run Down
This is going to be a summary of the picks made before the start of last week’s games. I hate those fuckers that make wild predictions that never come true and then just move on to the next week. It’s like the friend that claims he boned two hotties the night before but shows no proof so you know he’s lying. Where is the fucking accountability? No, we won’t have that shit here. We call our friends out whenever necessary.

Mikey's Selections

Kevin Kolb - 17 Bizarro Points

Kolb scored 17 bizarro points in the shoot out with New Orleans, which placed him 13th among quarterbacks for the week. This is the very definition of a shitty selection: I knew he would be throwing all over the place, I just never thought that there would be wide open receivers on the other end. The guy did throw for 3 interceptions but he also racked up 391 yards so kind of Bizarro but not really. A definite miss fire on my part.

Eric's Selections

Matt Cassell - 19.75 Bizarro Points

Cassell ranked 10th among quarterbacks this week with 19.75 bizarro points. I still can’t call it a great selection because it wasn’t top 8 however a very solid start to the bizarro season for Cassell. This also was a very good start for Eric’s picks however it all goes down hill from here…

Cedric Benson- 0 Bizarro Points

The lock of the week turned out to be anything but. Benson destroyed the Packers run defense by rushing for 141 yards on 29 carries. The only thing that kept him from having a negative game was the lack of a touchdown. I really can’t fault the logic on this pick, average running back, playing against a defense that limited one of the top running backs in the game the week before, in a game that his team would seemingly be losing therefore be forced to throw the ball more. The logic was sound, just an unfortunate Bizarro result. However nothing can make up for this next selection…

Willis McGahee- NEGATIVE 9 BIZARRO POINTS

McGahee was one point away from hitting the minimum in terms of Bizarro performance. Maybe Eric selected him because of the three-headed running back platoon in Baltimore, maybe he selected him because he was going up against a seemingly solid San Diego defense, maybe Eric selected him because of that great picture of him with a pie but please, don’t ever make a pick that bad again.

The Jake Delhomme Memorial Award
This award goes to the best Bizarro player at their respective position for the week.

QB David Garrard
JAX 23/43 282 Yds 1 TD 2 INT 3 Fumbles 4 Sacks 37 Bizarro Points

While Kurt Warner was breaking accuracy records on Sunday, David Garrard was busy randomly dropping the ball when blitzed. 3 Fumbles? Jeez, not much of a week. You think the Jags are happy they invested 7 years and 60 million dollars in the guy just last season? Not good times in Jacksonville. Just as a side note, did you know David Garrard has Crohn’s disease? Do you know what one of the treatments is for Crohn’s disease? Sewing your butthole shut. If only Colin had Crohn’s…

RB Steve Slaton
HOU 17 Car 34 Yds 3 Rec 25 Yds 0 TD 2 Fum 47 Bizarro Points

Raise your hand if you took Slaton in the first round of your real fantasy draft? I see no hands because everyone that took Slaton has already killed themselves. After Week 1 the bandwagon running back (Slaton) and team (Texans) lost a few members. However, most people expected both to bounce back, if not the next week versus the Titans then maybe the week after against Jacksonville. Well the Texans offense came back to life however Slaton was no where to be found. This leads to the most interesting development of the early Bizarro season:

The Bizarro world of Bizarro running backs.

What am I talking about? Well here are the top five running backs in Bizarro after Week 2:
Steve Slaton
Chester Taylor
Matt Forte
Willie Parker
LenDale White

Two definite first round real fantasy selections followed by a couple of third round guys and then Chester Taylor. However take a look at the bottom five Bizarro running backs and the number they were drafted in our league:
Carnell Williams #23 Overall
Tim Hightower: #22 Overall
Cedric Benson: #28 Overall
Marion Barber: Undrafted
Willis McGahee: #32 Overall

All of the guys except Barber were drafted in and 3rd or 4th round in our league. The above information leads me to two conclusions:
1. Players that normally suck are playing above their skill level and players that are normally good are playing like shit
2. We suck at picking for Bizarro fantasy

I realize it is very early in the season, however this is a trend that I will definitely be following as the season progresses.

WR Donnie Avery
STL 1 Rec 4 Yds 0 TD 1 Fumble 29 Bizarro Points

For a wide receiver you can’t get much worse than this. A complete no show for Avery during the game against Washington on Sunday. In fact both teams decided not to show up for the 9-6 shitfest. This was a game where you go home and feel the need to burn all the clothes you wore to the game, just to get rid of the stench of mediocrity. Hell, even the Washington fans booed their victorious team as they left the field. Not everything is bad in DC, they still have a franchise running back that could lead them to the Super Bowl…



...ok maybe not

TE Daniel Coats
CIN 2 Rec 26 Yds 0 TD 1 Fumble 23 Bizarro Points

Who? Not Ben Coat’s brother
Where? In the fattest state in the nation
Why should he be here? Because he put up a shitty game and had a fumble
Why shouldn’t he be here? Because his fumble led to the conversion of a 3rd and 34 which some say was the turning point of the game. This happened in the 2nd quarter, those people are idiots. Still, a pretty Bizarro circumstance.

BTW Daniel Coats is a black guy from Utah who went to BYU. As a black guy, wouldn’t you get the fuck out of Utah as fast as possible? The only reason Steve Smith survived his two years of college there was because his teammates knew that if they fucked with them he would punch them in the face and not be punished.

D Philadelphia Eagles 20 Bizarro Points

What a change for the Eagles! They go from a -19 point week against the Carolina Delhomme’s to a 20 point week against the New Orelans Brees’. I know you would have never guessed this but the quarterback is the most important position in football, I know, mind blowing.

K Jeff Reed: 12 Bizarro Points

Jeff Reed was not the top scoring kicker this week, (it was Matt Prater of the Broncos with 16 points) however I could not write this column without bringing up Mr. Jeff Reed. Thanks to his choke job the Bears were able to steal a win from the defending Super Bowl champs. I like to make fun of kickers as much as the next guy however I do realize it’s a tough job and sometimes these guys miss. Therefore I limit my kicker mockery to the true douche bags or whoever is playing the Bears that week. Behold, your bizarro kicker for week 2!

Week 2 Scoreboard

As of 7:30 on Sunday night:

Currently Yahoo has not updated their defensive stats for the week, so those are all zero.

Week 2 Picks to Click

Matthew Brennan Cassel
 

The Boy Wonder may very well make his KC debut, as he says he's feeling better and will be a game-time decision. I've been saying it since the preseason, but I think Oakland is primed to make big leaps defensively this season, and I thought they looked pretty good against Phil Rivers last week. Cassel has been practicing with a knee brace all week, and with the corpse of Larry Johnson in backfield, the Chiefs will expect their big off-season acquisition to carry the load. You know Todd Haley will have him slinging. If he plays, I wouldn't expect much.

Prediction: 17-35, 241 yards, 1 TD, 2 turnovers, 4 sacks. 24.5 Bizarro Points 

Willis Andrew McGahee III

I know what you're thinking. He looked great last week. He put up a 14 touch, 75 yard, 2 TD performance. Do you even watch football, or just poorly write about it on an ironic fantasy blog?

The answer is both. This one is just a hunch. In actual fantasy football last year, I rode the Willis McGahee/Ray Rice/Le'Ron' Mc'Cl'a'i'n'''' waiver wire trifecta, picking up and dropping them on a weekly basis in the hopes the Ravens would ride a hot hand for a game or two. Guess what? The Ravens don't do that. They hand out their carries at random. It's like they don't want any solid performances from their backs to get into their heads. 21 carries, 110 yards, 2 TDs? Don't get cocky, kid. Next week, third down duty for 7 carries and 18 yards. There's no rhyme or reason to who gets the ball when. I don't think McGahee sees nearly as much of the action this week as last. Plus Ray Rice is good at football, and the Ravens have to realize it eventually.

Prediction: 9 touches, 22 yards. 29 Bizarro Points.

Lock of the Week
Cedric Myron Benson

I know the game plan was awful and the Bears acted like they forgot they had him for half the game, but the Packers defense shut down Matt Forte last week, and Matt Forte is so much better than Cedric Benson at football, and well, probably everything. Seriously. I'll bet he could even boat intoxicated and get away with it. Benson had a surprisingly decent Week 1 performance, and even found the end zone. I don't think he has anywhere near as much success on the road against the Pack, which is why I'm making Cedric Benson my Lock of the Week.

Prediction: 19 touches, 55 yards, 1 fumble. 37 Bizarro Points.

It’s Never Sunny in Philadelphia

It appears that Donavan McNabb will not be able to play this week against the New Orleans Saints. So who do the Eagles choose to start in his place?

Convicted Dog Fighter? Out- Rabies
Possibly Gay, Bald, Aging QB? Out- Too busy taking Viagra so he can hit this. (BTW Fuck Jeff Garcia)
Unproven 3rd Year Player? Bingo

Kevin Kolb has apparently gotten the nod to start against the porous New Orleans defense. Normally playing any bizarro QB against the Saints is a horrible idea, however Kolb has a ton of potential.

For starters the guy has barely played. Last season he was the 3rd stringer, this year he was hurt for a majority of training camp, now he’s the starter? Please. Behold what ESPN considers his most notable professional appearance:

“Kolb has appeared in eight games in his career, including last week against Carolina. His most notable appearance came in 2008 against Baltimore, when McNabb was benched at halftime of a 10-7 game. The Ravens went on to win 36-7, with Kolb completing 10 of 23 passes for 73 yards with two interceptions, one of which was returned for a touchdown.”

30.5 Bizarro points in a single half, very impressive indeed.

Another point: There is no way in hell Kolb plays again after this week. If you are Kevin Kolb you have to know this is your shot for the season. The team has every conceivable type of QB ahead of him on the depth chart: Franchise QB, Experienced Leader QB, Wildcat QB. Where the hell does Kolb fit into that?

Combined this with the fact that the Eagles are expecting their unproven quarterback to out duel the most prolific offense in the NFL you got the makings of a HUGE bizarro game.

My humble prediction:

13/30 174 Yds 1 TD 3 INT 3 Sacks

34.5 Bizarro Points

Full Week 1 Results

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Bizarro Journalism

Here is a story on NBCsports.com about which NFL players will become stars in 2009.

In related news, here is a group of young men who played music that I think people would enjoy if only someone would give them some exposure.

WEEK 1 RESULTS

Courtesy of Mike:


Week 1 Write Up

Sorry for the delay in scores, RCN decided to turn off my cable for the 2nd time IN FOUR FUCKING DAYS. I hate the cable companies in this town, you pay them $75 for the pleasure of fucking you over at a moments notice. Tangent over.

The first week is in the books, multiple bizarro records were broken, and we have the results posted below.

At the end of each week I will try to have results posted by Tuesday night at the latest however next week we will have updated scoring throughout the weekend. Also I want to have a consistent format for these weekly wrap ups so let me know if there is something you do/don’t want to read from me. Now on to the Week 1 Awards!

The Jake Delhomme Memorial Award
This award goes to the best bizarro player at their respective position for the week.

QB- Jake Delhomme
CAR 7/17 73 Yds 0 TD 4 INT 1 Fumble 3 Sacks 56.25 Bizarro Points

Well Jake sure does know how to make an entrance. It is going to be tough for any QB to top this performance for the rest of the year. Even going back to last year this is the 2nd worst performance we have on record (FYI JT O’Sullivan Week 7 of last year, 4 Fumbles, 2 INT, 59 Points Yikes!). Unfortunately no one was able to take advantage of his shitty performance as Jake is currently on the waiver wire. Coach Fox claims that Delhomme will still be the Panther’s QB going forward so there could be some bizarro points to be had.

 










RB- James Davis CLE
4 Car 5 Yds 3 Rec 4 Yds 0 TD 0 FUM 37 Bizarro Points

Not the best way to start your rookie year however this is a perfect way to start your bizarro career! Not only did Mr. Davis have a truly terrible game, but he played 1 day after sustaining “a minor head injury” in a single car accident. He may have still be feeling the effects of the crash. A normal, rational person would advise Davis to sit a week out, recoup, and then start his season. However as his fantasy owner I suggest getting in minor traffic accidents before each week’s game.
Editor's Note: How the fuck do you catch THREE balls for FOUR yards? Is that even possible??

WR Eddie Royal DEN
2 Rec 18 Yds 1 Fumble 23 Bizarro Points

A pretty ho hum week in terms of wide receiver production. There were about 20 WR that scored between 14-16 points however Royal put himself over the top with a fumble. Should we expect this kind of performance going forward? Probably not however when this guy is throwing you the football you never know…

TE Anthony Fasano MIA
2 Rec 10 Yds 2 Fumbles 30 Bizarro Points

Another Bizarro record! Well sort of: Fasano tied the bizarro record set by Greg Olsen during Week 2 of last season. Besides the generally crummy receiving stats, the two fumbles are what lifted him into rarified air. I’d say more but no one saw the turd Miami laid against Atlanta so lets just move on.

D Rams and Browns
17 Bizarro Points

Eh? No big deal. However the -19 put up by the Eagles is definitely an impressive feat.
Editor's Note: Not against Jake Delhomme.

K Jason Elam ATL
28 Bizarro Points

What a shitty game, a Bizarro TE record and one of the top kicking scores ever recorded. The NFL, No Fucking Legs. How does this guy still have a job? On Sunday he went 2-4 on FG and missed an extra point. Seriously, if any kicker misses an extra point they should be cut on the spot. Fucking Chad Ocho Cinco can kick a ball the length of the field and these dudes can’t even make a chip shot.

Going into Monday Night...

Again, these are unofficial, but here are the updated stats going into Monday night's games:

Pride of the Weinkes
Matt Stafford: 30
Thomas Jones: -9
Joseph Addai: 19
Brandon Stokely: 0
Andre Caldwell: 7
49ers D: 4
David Akers: 0

Swollen Bean Bags
Brett Favre: 14
Ricky Williams: 20
Bobby Engram: 15
Devin Hester: 0
Rashied Davis: 0
Chiefs D: 17
Shaun Suisham: 0

Swollen Bean Bags - 66, 1 to play
Pride of the Weinkes - 51, 1 to play

Sarah Palin's Tits
Kyle Orton: 5
Garret Wolfe: 0
Correll Buckhalter: 20
Chansi Stuckey: 0
Bobby Wade: 0
Mario Manningham: 0
Rams D: 8
Mike Nugent: 12

Magnum P.I.
Brady Quinn: 26
Jerious Norwood: 20
Mike Furrey: 10
David Clowney: 0
Arnaz Battle: 14
Lions D: 17
Jay Feely: 0

Magnum P.I. - 87, 1 to play
Sarah Palin's Tits - 45, finished

Kobe Vujacic
Jamal Lewis: -3
Edgerrin James: 28
Michael Clayton: 3
Troy Williamson: 16
Isaac Bruce: 9
Saints D: 8
Ryan Succop: 0

The Sex Boats
Shaun Hill: 9
Tim Hightower: -4
Le'Ron Mcclain: 24
Terrance Copper: 0
Brian Finneran: 0
Sinorice Moss: 0
Browns D: 17
Olindo Mare: 0

Kobe Vujacic - 61, 1 to play
The Sex Boats - 46, finished

Cedric Benson All Stars
Dirty Sanchez: 16
James Davis: 37 (!!!)
Brian Hartline: 15
Antwaan Randle El: 3
Marcedes Lewis: 12

Team Poopypants
Marc Bulger: 23
Lendale White: 27
Julius Jones: -10
Davone Bess: 7
Jordy Nelson: 0
Bo Scaife: 14
Bengals D: 6
Matt Prater: 0

Cedric Benson All-Stars - 83, 3 to play (and they're all Raiders, god help us)
Team Poopypants - 67, finished

Don't have spreadsheets yet, you can thank RCN

Early Game Results

Here's what's happened so far. These are unofficial, detailed results to follow

Pride of the Weinkes
Matt Stafford: 30
Thomas Jones: -9
Joseph Addai: 19
Brandon Stokely: 0
Andre Caldwell: 7
David Akers: 0

Swollen Bean Bags
Brett Favre: 14
Ricky Williams: 20
Bobby Engram: 15
Chiefs D: 17

Sarah Palin's Tits
Kyle Orton: 5
Correll Buckhalter: 20
Chansi Stuckey: 0
Bobby Wade: Unemployed
Mike Nugent: 12

Magnum P.I.
Brady Quinn: 26
Jerious Norwood: 20
Mike Furrey: 10
David Clowney: 0
Lions D: 17
Jay Feely: 0

Kobe Vujacic
Jamal Lewis: -3
Michael Clayton: 3
Troy Williamson: 16
Saints D: 8
Who the fuck is Ryan Succop: 0

The Sex Boats
Le'Ron Mcclain: 24
Terrance Copper: 0
Brian Finneran: 0
Browns D: 17

Cedric Benson All Stars
Dirty Sanchez: 16
James Davis: 37 (!!!)
Brian Hartline: 15
Marcedes Lewis: 12

Team Poopypants
Davone Bess: 7
Bengals D: 6
Matt Prater: 0

Happy Cutler Day

Everyone have a glorious Week 1.



We'll see how fast we can get results up depending how often Yahoo updates their stats page.

And everyone enjoy the early game on FOX between Bizarro superstars Brett Favre and Brady Quinn. This is our Brady v Manning.

Mr. Goodell, Tear Down This Wall

A U.S. Federal Appeals Court ruled today in favor of Kevin and Pat Williams of the Minnesota Vikings, clearing them of a four game suspension for violating drug-testing laws. This ruling comes to the dismay of Bizarro Fantasy Owners everywhere, as this not only solidifies their already excellent defense for this upcoming season but takes away the possibility of scoring some cheap suspension points as well. At least until Jared Allen gets back on the sauce.

Oh, and it's not good news for the rest of the NFC North either.

The Williams Wall must come down.

Great Games in Bizarro History: The Grossman Game

The game that served as the inspiration to create Bizarro Fantasy Football:

October 16, 2006. Chicago Bears @ Arizona Cardinals

Rex Grossman:



14-37, 144 yards. 0 TD. 4 Interceptions. 2 Fumbles. 2 Sacks.

64 Bizarro Fantasy Points

But then this happened:



And then this:



And then, somehow, this was allowed to happen:



After all that, this happened:



And things would never be the same.

9/10/09: Titans vs. Steelers

We won't have the official scoring spreadsheets until the weekend, but I thought I'd just post here the players in action from last night.

Lendale White: 27 points (9 touches, 33 yards, 3.0-3.9 avg)
Bo Scaife: 14 points (5 catches, 48 yards, FUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE)

In case anyone was wondering:
Big Ben: 14.5 points (10 incompletions, 363 yards, 1 TD, 2 picks, 4 sacks)
Collins: 9.25 points (13 incompletions, 244, 1 TD, 1 pick, 1 sack)
Willie Parker: 33 points(14 touches, 24 yards, 1.0-1.9 avg)
Chris Johnson: 20 points (16 touches, 66 yards)
Mewelde Moore: 26 points (9 touches, 36 yards)
Rob Bironas: 16 points

Arrest Calculator

Just what it sounds like.

Remember, all arrests or suspensions cover your entire roster, including your bench. They must be on your roster at the time of the incident. Your team will receive bonus points the following matchup, for one week only. Also remember that these values are for individual offensive players. Players on your team's defense still count, but at 1/4th of these points, rounded up to the nearest whole.

Download to interact with it.

OMGTHERESFOOTBALLONTV

So this is the website where I'll be posting results and standings for our league. All results will be put on the main page, with links to download the official scoring spreadsheets so everyone can see their scoring in detail. We'll see how this goes. I'll hopefully be updating pretty regularly.

That is all.