Jake Delhomme Awards: Week 1

Quarterback

Matt Moore

"Wow. Even I thought that sucked."

If imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery, Jake Delhomme is probably still blushing after Matt Moore's stinker on Sunday. Moore threw for under 200 yards, got picked three times, fumbled twice, and was sacked four times, good for 54.25 Bizarro Points to lead all Week 1 scorers.

Running Back 
Ray Rice 

"Seriously, you're making these two
yards awfully hard for both us."

Ray Rice ran the ball 21 times Monday night and didn't get a rushing first down.

I'll understand if you need a few minutes to let that soak in, because it probably makes you question everything you ever thought you knew about football.

21 rushes, 43 yards. Zero rushing first downs. 32.5 Bizarro Points. Oh, and he also got into a little hissy fit with some of the Jets' players. Quite an opening week.

Wide Receiver

DeSean Jackson

The Eagles threw the ball DeSean Jackson's way eleven times, and seven times it found the ground. When he did actually catch balls intended for him, they were for minimal gains (4 catches, 30 yards). Oh, and he fumbled. With 27.5 Bizarro Points, DeSean was DeWorst wide receiver in our league last week.

Tight End

Greg Olsen

Whatcha name?

G-reg.

Whadd'ya do?

Suck at football.

How'd ya do it?

Only two first downs and a fumble.

.... 

In her eyes.

(23 Bizarro Points)

Kicker

Ryan Longwell

  Longwell scored 20 Bizarro Points the easy way: a missed extra point.

Defense

Cincinnati Bengals

"Pardon me."

The Bengals felt the wrath of the Patriots and Justin Bieber Tom Brady, giving up 38 points and 376 yards while forcing no turnovers, good for 22 Bizarro Points.

 

Week 1 Picks to Click

Exhibit A: Dennis Dixon

Dixon gets the start this weekend against the Falcons because (a) Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted a college student and was suspended for six games, although its since been reduced to four*; (b) Byron Leftwich is hurt; and (c) Charlie Batch is still Charlie Batch. Thus, Dixon wins this week's spin of the Steelers' "Mediocre Black Quarterback" roulette wheel. Fun Fact: Antwaan Randle El is double zero.

"I don't feel like it's all on me," said Dixon this week. "Coach Tomlin told me, 'Just ride the bus. We don't expect you to go out and win the game. Just play.' ''

We agree, and so do our scoring projections, which have Dixon tabbed for around 27 Bizarro points this week. 

*Due to the NFL's much applauded "Thanks for not sexually assaulting people anymore" policy. 

Exhibit B: Sam Bradford

Neither his Heisman Trophy nor luscious locks of hair will prevent us from giving Sam Bradford a full endorsement on opening Sunday. An overall #1 pick making his professional debut at quarterback for one of the worst teams in the NFL? Me likey, and for good reason.

Bradford is humming to the tune of around 26 Bizarro points in our average scoring projections for Week 1. He's one to keep your eye on the first few weeks of the season.

And with that, enjoy opening day, everyone.

Opening Night Top Performers

The 2010 Bizarro season kicked off in style, complete with a performance from Bizarro Sinatra:

Since there were no starters in last night's game except Greg Camarillo, I changed some aspects of our scoring system to fix some bugs. The changes will be in effect for the rest of the season, and from here on out there should be no more meddling with the scoring system. So some of the points as they were posted last night may look slightly different today, but not much.

Anyhoo, last night's top performers:

Quarterback
Brett Favre

15-27, 171 yards, 1 touchdown, 1 interception.
7 first downs, 1 sack, 9 yards lost.
71.7 QB Rating

17.5 Bizarro Points




Running Back
Albert Young

3 rushes, 2 yards.
2 receptions, 11 yards.
Zero first downs.

11.5 Bizarro Points.




Wide Receiver
B-Squared

3 targets, 1 catch, 3 yards.
1 fumble, 1 fumble recovered.

22 Bizarro Points.






Tight End
David Thomas

4 targets, 2 receptions, 3 yards.
18 Bizarro Points.






Kicker
Ryan Longwell

Missed extra point.
20 Bizarro Points.

2010 Draft Results

The 2010 Bizarro Fantasy Draft was held last night, in spite of a dental emergency.



Let it beginnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

2010 Draft Cheat Sheet

Bizarro Fantasy Football is back for the 2010 season. Pride of the Weinkes starts their title defense this Thursday.

Here's the cheat sheet for the upcoming draft, provided by cbssports.com based on our custom scoring for this season.



Here's a picture of the #1 rated player going into 2010 singing karaoke.

God I love football.

CHAMPIONS

Well I was in New York for a while.

In case anyone was wondering, Pride of the Weinkes won the 2009 Bizarro Football Championship

Championship - Early Results

As always, these are unofficial until further notice

Pride of the Weinkes
Derek Anderson: 10
Marshawn Lynch: 0
Shonn Greene: 6
Andre Caldwell: 19
David Anderson: 21
Randy McMichael: 18
Stephen Gostkowski: 0
Rams D: 14
Total: 88
vs.
Sarah Palin's Tits
Jay Cutler: TBD
Darren McFadden: 12
Matt Forte: TBD
Torry Holt: 17
Jabar Gaffney: -5
Donnie Avery: 17
Connor Barth: 0
Bills D: 16
Total: 57

Playoff Recap

Week 15 Positional Results

Season Totals

Pride of the Weinkes vs. Sarah Palin's Tits for the 'ship

Unofficial Playoff Round 1 Results:

#1 Magnum P.I.
Brady Quinn: 26
Jerome Harrison: -10
Maurice Morris: -10
Moose Muhammad: 17
Chansi Stuckey: 13
Josh Morgan: 5
Josh Brown: 0
Lions D: 4
Total: 45
vs.
#4 Sarah Palin's Tits
Jay Cutler: 40
Darren McFadden: 22
Matt Forte: 43
Torry Holt: 16
Jabar Gaffney: 21
Donnie Avery: 18
Connor Barth: 8
Bills D: 7
Total: One hundred seventy-fucking-five

#2 Pride of the Weinkes
Daunte Culpepper: 22
Marshawn Lynch: 29
Chester Taylor: 0
Andre Caldwell: 23
David Anderson: 14
Randy McMichael: 14
Stephen Gostkowski: 0
Rams D: 4
Total: 106
vs.
#3 Kobe Vujacic
Chaz Frye: 18
Fred Jackson: 1
Marcus Mason: TBD
Terrell Owens: 20
Greg Camarillo: 13
Bobby Wade: 0
Mason Crosby: 8
Cowboys D: 3
Total: 63

Final Season Standings/Playoff Matchups

Home-field for Magnum P.I. and Pride of the Weinkes. Although this is bizarro, so I guess that means they actually play on the road. That, or the fans at their home stadium are brutal to their own team but extremely supportive of the other.

Playoffs!